I started scribbling the funny in school when I was bored, to amuse my friends and sometimes, the examiners (once, in a History exam, I wrote “Regrettably my knowledge of this period has all the characteristics of a European map of America circa 1491” and left it at that).  This tendency got me into a lot of trouble, but over the years my comedy writing evolved from parody and racist diatribes on why Russians do nothing except drink vodka and play chess into highbrow, intellectual satire. 

Ah, who am I kidding.

The pieces in this section normally fall into one of two categories: fiction with a comedic slant and a subtle hint of pastiche... and reviews of shit movies. Have fun!

Cradle of Fear: An Objective Review

Cradle of Filth are like Fisher Price: My First Black Metal Band.  They hail from the demonic wastelands of Suffolk, England and despite lots of screaming and ketchup-soaked photoshoots they are about as grim and frostbitten as a glass of orange juice.  So we are right to expect the best when the band teamed up with Alex Chandon, a director known for “straight-to-video micro-budget soft porn”, to produce Cradle of Fear, a film more scary than terror itself.

Cassy McKellan in The Curse of the Cused Curse

Cassy writes books for kids, books that were more than a little obscure until Roxanne Rice and her Wizard High series dragged kid-lit kicking and screaming into the public eye.  But is she grateful?  What, to a self-obsessed untalented bitch like that?  Please.

Raise the Stakes

There’s been some mysterious deaths in the village. Mysterious, two-holes-in-the-neck, completely-drained-of-blood deaths. Could it be something to do with the castle on the hill?  Everyone think so, and someone has to find out.  Beefy Winters is just a normal guy.  He’s no demon slayer… at least, not until he drew the short straw down the pub…

Gary Trotter and the Castle of Doom

Gary’s job sucks.  Almost literally.  Trawling around England selling vacuum cleaners door-to-door was not how he imagined his future when he was a teenager full of piss and vinegar.  But the band never worked out, and now Gary will never do anything important with his life.

...or will he?

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